


strength

by dianna44



Series: tumblr prompts [6]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Established Relationship, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Trans Katsuki Yuuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-31 01:13:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12121329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dianna44/pseuds/dianna44
Summary: tumblr prompt: One is trans and feeling particularly dysphoric and the other comforts him. (Either one could be trans, tbh)





	strength

**Author's Note:**

> I want to add a disclaimer to this one. Originally, I didn’t want to do this prompt. I am not trans and I did not want to possibly offend somebody with representing dysphoria in a way that it is not. But, that wasn’t good enough. So after questioning some good friends of mine (who are all trans) and relating it to feelings that I can most closely relate to (but can never understand), I decided to write this. I want to reiterate that everybody’s experience with dysphoria is different. Feelings are different and dysophoric anxiety can stem in many different ways. Some people have it to a very extreme level, some experience it more mildly, and some don’t really experience it all. 
> 
> Another side note: if dysphoria pertains to you, I love you so very dearly. So so very dearly. xxxx
> 
> Also, in this short one-shot, Yūri keeps her birth name. I just want to make it clear this is not the case with everybody, and the reasoning behind this is because the name is quite androgynous.

The noises and thoughts are scratching at her head, a reminder that something isn’t right something isn’t right something isn’t right something isn’t right _something isn’t right_. 

Her feelings are not her own her feelings are not her own, and logically logically logically, she knows this is her body, this has always been her body, and for a while longer, it will continue to be her body, but no no no no no no no that can’t be quite right that can’t be right that can’t be right that can’t be RIGHT. 

She can go days without being drowned in thoughts that stem from other’s hatred and ignorance, which eventually transform into her own without her will without her will without her will, but today, her mind pushes her into the ocean and she starts sinking sinking sinking even though she knows how to swim. 

Victor isn’t home yet. He went out to buy milk for the pancakes he wants to make her today, and all it took was one glance at her reflection, and she remembered those nasty awful horrible cruel cruel thoughts. 

Sometimes, she simply starts floating. Her mind pushing around jumbled thoughts in her head as she rises above above above and before she knows it, she’s looking down at herself in horror, in confusion, and with love that she wants to give herself more often. 

It’s as if someone had come up to her suddenly and ripped the weight off her chest and she looks down, she looks down down down and sees the lack of anything at all and that’s always worst of all when she realizes it. When she realizes that there is nothing on her chest, but flat flat flat flat FLAT. 

And as soon as she realizes, she is no longer floating. She is pummeling into the earth, the ground and the ocean, and every time, it’s so so hard for her to pick herself back up how does she pick herself back up every time how how how how _how_?

Her mind is a horrible _mess_ , but what can she do what can she do _WHAT CAN SHE DO_ when nobody else sees her the way she KNOWS she is?!

Her thoughts don’t stop when she suddenly hears Victor yelling, “Yūriii, I’m home!” 

She doesn’t want to reply. She doesn’t want the possibility of Victor coming in to find her and then thinking, for the briefest of seconds like he probably will, but will deny, that she looks like something that she knows she never was. 

_**~~A man.~~ ** _

And then he is there with her.

With Yūri, she doesn’t like to be touched, every touch a reminder a reminder a REMINDER that it probably doesn’t feel the way she knows it’s supposed to feel under her husband’s hand. 

And Victor knows her so well. He closes in on her, but never touches, never reaches out, never touches never touches, and she finally dares to look up at him, dares to see what he’s thinking in his eyes, and her breath catches when all she sees is _love_. 

She isn’t crying, but she’s shaking shaking shaking, and she wants to reach out and grab Victor, but she also wants him to stay away from her, stay far away, stay away away away and and and an–

“I bought some strawberries too. I know how you love strawberry pancakes, love.”

She knows what Victor’s doing, and _fuck_ , she knows it can work, but sometimes it _DOESN’T._ Sometimes, it doesn’t work, but his voice is so soothing, so everything that her mind right now is not. 

“I’m sorry this is happening. I’m sorry I can’t do more than just love you. I’m sorry that you feel helpless against yourself. I know who you are, Yūri, and I can tell you that you are the most beautiful and lovely woman I have ever met.”

His voice is calm, but Yūri still hears the pain behind it. The pain that he can’t do more for her, and _fuck_ , she _loves_ this man. _She loves this man_. She loves– she reaches out and his arms are around her in an instant. 

She wants to say something, but she’s shaking too badly, and even though, his arms around her are strong, she still feels she still feels she still feels like her arms are _**~~too strong for a woman~~**_. 

“You know, today Mila reminded me that she wants you to join her for her girls’ night out tomorrow. You wanted to go shopping with her, remember? She also thought about getting manicures with you. She is so excited to go with you, Yūri.”

Yūri doesn’t say anything and Victor’s chest is so warm. She knows what Victor is doing she knows what he is doing, but she’s also tired of herself trying to tell herself that what he’s doing is _wrong_ somehow. 

_You are who you are_ , she thinks against her own cruelty. _You are a woman despite what your body tells you. You are a woman despite what people view you as. There are people who still think gay people cannot get married. They are idiots. They are the same idiots who think otherwise when they see something you know you are not. You are a woman despite their cruelty and your own. You are a woman despite nothing at all because no matter what you are up against, you are still a woman._

It’s a phrase she’s gotten used to saying to herself in moments like these. It’s a phrase that’s a hit or miss and a phrase that doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does does does, and she knows Victor knows who she really is, and she knows that Victor has never looked at her differently because of it. 

Victor’s grip tightens around her suddenly and she goes lax, smiling, despite her panic, against him. 

“I love you so much, and every day I’m grateful that you are my wife. I am so lucky. I love you so much. So much.”

They sit like that, pressed against each other for a long thirty minutes, and Victor sometimes doesn’t say something for a while. And sometimes Victor reminds her that she is everything she knows knows _knows_ she is. And by the end of it all, her stomach reminds her about the strawberry pancakes to be made for her, and she stands up, Victor following her close behind, and she knows it’ll happen again, but she knows that she isn’t up against herself alone. 

And she knows she’s as strong as the strongest women before her. 

**Author's Note:**

> I conveyed it to the best of my ability, but if it offends anyone dearly, I will take it down. I love you all so much. all the love as always xxxxx


End file.
